You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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