Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Success! We fucked roommates!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
