There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
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It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
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Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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