You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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