I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
