Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
