Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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