Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
