Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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