the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
