I'm so fucking centered right now
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
