I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
