somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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