I cut my penus on the lid.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
