I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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