After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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