So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
