Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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