Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
smell my finger.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
