My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
