I just gift wrapped bread.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
