Duck Duck Cougar?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
