tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
