You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
