I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize