i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
