saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
