you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
