Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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