I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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