Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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