I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
