I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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