My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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