well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
