Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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