Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
