just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
