I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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