I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
