I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
