I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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