i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
