the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
