I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
