I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
how does that bad decision feel?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
