I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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