Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize