fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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