Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
3 2 1 whiskey
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
