he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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