i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
