There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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