He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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