the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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