Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
